celebration

i was away from my blog this week while i ate cake and settled into my new title of "scrum master".

psycho dog

(student artist's rendition of the carnage)

today my canine roommate* destroyed a sofa cushion. it was fun to see sofa stuffing spread around the livingroom like snow clumps.


* or my girlfriend

hypocracy

Some people think I fantasize about receiving an Oscar and ask me about the ceremony, but actually I don't care.

365 days every year, Hollywood nudges out interesting, original scripts in favor of blockbuster institutions they hope will sell billions to 14-28 year old males.

.2425 days every year, they pat themselves on the backs for "making art". Please...

target candy

i bought 4 bags of 75% off valentine's candy from target... the coupon at the bottom of my receipt was $1 off colgate...

i spy

I spy,
with my eye
something beginning
with the letter: B

concentration

My bus was sideswiped going to work today (felt like a pothole).

Then we had a meeting about the firings that will happen with work.

It's been a hard morning to concentrate on anything productive.

valentine's of terror

with valentine's day and friday the 13th all happening the same weekend, it's time for a freaky picture post!

(how do you like my new office?)

trashy tv squirrel report

**this is a weekday morning trashy TV squirrel report**
with the 50% lack of snow cover, the neighborhood squirrels are venturing further than the bird feeder to uncover hidden nut stashes.

tyra sets up an audience of single people and tranny's out their lover's in front of their lover's girlfriends on maury.

**this ends the weekday morning trashy TV squirrel report**

spot GB

In Wellington, I claimed the google van spotted me.

Now there is proof.

Congrats, CN! You win the spot GB contest. A signed copy of my picture is on it's way.

bathroom enigmas

in the bathroom, a slow-walking, germaphobic, 2-armed, 2-handed student:
* turned the facet on and off with his elbow
* dispensed drying paper with his arm
* then bent down to get his jacket off the floor where it had been sitting while he finished his business.

new language: -am

Quite often I find myself introducing people like: "This is my friend John. He loves dams and he likes ham".

But why do those two facts about John need to be separate? Isn't there a way to simplify?

YES! the suffix -am implies "and ham".

When added to any word, -am implies "and ham". For example: "This is my friend John. He loves damams."

It works anywhere:
* I love your babyam.
* She's a real thinkeram.
* The Louisihaman cheated on his wifam.
* Can I interest you in Green Eggsam, Sam?
* Forget about the Duchess of Buckinghamam.
* He served in 'namam.

hair chop 2

after

before

Many people have commented: "Your hair is so long. How could you have just taken 4 inches off?"

Here is an artist's rendition i had done for my friend Whaspatulaca* to help her understand.

*name changed to protect her identity.

scrap booking

i love to scrap book. that's why i always trim and then photograph my toes every tuesday night.

if you're ever over for a dinner party, be sure to ask for a viewing of the album.

M&M walk machine

I bought 250 calories of peanut M&Ms from vending machine.

I walked as far as I could eating them 2 at a time until I ran out of M&M's... which was 297 steps from the vending machine.

That's an average of 1.2 steps per calorie consumed or 2.4 steps if you count my round trip... which was very boring since i was out of M&Ms!

trashy tv squirrel report

**this is a weekday morning trashy TV squirrel report**
the three neighbor squirrels are enjoying our unprecedented warm weather with extra visits to the bird feeder.

tyra is worried about bar tenders pretending to be gay to get more money and the rest of the trash world is up in arms over nichole richie's mom jeans.

**this ends the weekday morning trashy TV squirrel report**

retroactive repayment

Attention all readers

As retroactive repayment for lost blog entries, you have each earned a predetermined number of printouts of the lollypop picture (above). Please look up the last 4 digits of your social security number and then print the lollypop picture the appropriate number of times.

SS# - prints allowed
1345 - 17 prints
6577 - 98 prints
6840 - 13 prints
6877 - 32 prints
9844 - 1 pint
0202 - 7 prints
2356 - 109 prints
2526 - 64 prints
3144 - 297 prints
3434 - 56 prints
5792 - 143 prints
6798 - 194 prints
7041 - 200 prints
7556 - 10 prints
8401 - 58 prints
8460 - 82 prints
9510 - 19 prints

Criterion for determining repayment includes (1) how frequently you checked my site, (2) how frequently you commented, (3) the quality of your comments, but mostly (4) how much i like you.

clip chop

i chopped my hair back to shoulder length.
4 inches sent tumbling to the floor.
the most hair i've ever lost.

i feel renewed, vibrant, free and spring-like.
punxsutawney phil may have seen his shadow, but i see 4" less when i look towards mine.

new jobs

when you get a new job, you feel obligated to work.
when job cuts are around the bend, you feel obligated to work.
when you are raised in the midwest, you feel obligated to work.

but none of those conditions apply to my readers.
so why do i punish(?) you with a lack of posting?

generation bob fires up for a glorious february run this friday.